Sunday, 24 April 2011

Missing Him So Much

Have you ever missed something so much it hurts? I've lived with a great deal of grief lately. Tonight, I have decided to let you into my world a little bit. I talk about my grief from time to time; letting you in a little bit here and there. But maybe you don't know the whole story. So let me tell you a bit about myself.

I lost my best friend almost 3 years ago. She died from cancer and her loss has left a huge hole in my life.  Jeannie was the greatest friend you could ever ask for. I met her when I was 15 and she has been the greatest woman I have ever known. As a best friend, she was the best. She was always there for me when I needed her most.  She told me what I needed to hear because she knew me best. She never lied to me, she told it like it was. When she was first diagnosed with cancer, none of us believe she would actually succumb to the disease. Never! I don't think she believed it til the week she passed away. She was the strongest, most beautiful woman I've ever know. The best woman, best mother, best bestest friend ever. I miss her every single day of my life.

A year and a half ago, a good friend was murdered by her husband. I believe I suffered from PTSD after her death. Nothing like it has happened in my life before. Her death has taught me that life is short, it is extremely precious. What happened to her should not happened to the worst of human beings. That it happened to someone I know cut me deep.  Everyone who knew Donna, knows how awesome she was. How sweet and caring she was. She is in a better place now and nothing can harm her now. Her death pushed me over a precipice I didn't know existed.  I fell apart after her passing.

July 14th came the worst news of all. My mother called me at work. My mother never calls me at work. She called me to inform me that my father had suffered a massive heart attack and died. 

My parents divorced when I was very young. My father and I had had a very tumultuous relationship over the last two decades.  My father was an alcoholic most of my life and he was absent. But I still loved him like he was the most perfect father on the planet. Losing him was the nudge I needed to jump over the edge. I wrote this blog post because I wanted to show you picture of myself and my Dad. He was an awesome man, buried deep within his disorder. I know what it's like to suffer with a disease that longs to define you even when you don't want it to. I know what it's like to life with a disorder that overtakes your life and works hard to reduce you to nothing. I know what it's like to work hard every single day to be a better person; to leave behind the disease that longs to define you, longs to overcome everything about you. I believe my father and I are the same person.

I miss him so much it hurts. Have you ever had that feeling?

Doesn't Dad look proud of his two girls?

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