Tuesday, 26 April 2011

The Dark Horse of MDD...sorry you have to read this.

It sounds so ominous, doesn't it??  For starters, what the heck is MDD? I suffer from major depressive disorder...BORING! All that means is that I will suffer from depressive episodes (lasting 2 weeks or longer) for the rest of my life.  I have some control over this disorder. If I take good care of myself, get some exercise, lots of sleep, yada, yada, yada. The problem with depression is that magic word EFFORT. Sometimes I just can't make the effort! But I try my best and we make it thru most days, don't we? (Yah, nothing makes you sound crazier than referring to oneself as 'we')

Anyway....moving on. The fun part of these labels of mental illness is once you have one sticker, you can start to collect them all!! FUN!!! To go along with my MDD badge, I have collected my GAD and OCD badges, too! I'm a right girl guide! Tonight I am battling my GAD a little bit. What the heck is GAD, you may ask? General anxiety disorder, silly!! I'm suffering from a mild case of anxiety right now! See, my husband is my rock in this sea of turbulence. I count on him to support me when I need it most. And tonight, and for the next three nights, he is away at a conference. I'm sure he is going to have a fantastic time learning new things, hanging out with his buddies and all. But I'm at home now, alone with my two sons and I'm freaking out a bit!

I can do this, right?? At first I was all moxy...Of Course I Can Do This!! They're good boys and they listen to mommy most of the time. We have a good schedule down and we are working our way thru life on an even road. I gave them their dinner which they ate like champs (dang! forgot the second vegetable) and then I gave them a bath (even remembered to wash behind their ears) and then I put them to bed. We read stories and snuggled. I turned off the lights. Now I'm sitting downstairs watching the hockey game....the house is uber-quiet. And I'm kinda freakin out!! Did I just do this?? Did I just have a whole night all to myself, no issues???

I don't know why I freak out so much? My husband works two nights a week so I'm used to doing the bedtime routine by myself. But now I have to do the bedtime routine and the morning routine four days in a row, all by myself.

I can do this, right???

I hate GAD!! It ranks right up there with my MDD and these damn obsessive thoughts that I can't do this. I hate OCD, too! LOL.

Ok, I'm done venting now. Sorry you had to go thru that with me!!  I'll be better next time!

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