Tuesday, 5 July 2011

What the heck is Up with me?

What the heck day is it, anyway?? Oh ya, Tuesday. Let's call it Tell All Tuesday for today.  I thought we'd talk briefly about my life with my disorder for a minute. 

Let me tell you one thing that really irks me about Major Depressive Disorder.  I'm constantly being asked, "How are you doing?"  Constantly!! "How are you doing today, baby? Are you alright? You seem a little off??"  And the answer is usually the same, "I'm ok".  When I'm at work, I have perfected the, "I am doing fabulous" response. No one would know my struggles when they meet me at work. I think that's part of my problem. I hate to admit that there IS a problem.  My husband is constantly asking, "Are you ok?". I don't know how to respond most of the time. "No, no I'm not doing ok." Today I feel very blue. I had horrible dreams all night, I slept fitfully.  Today I am sore and tired.  Going back to work has been really tough on my body.  I spend all day on my feet and I come home exhausted.  Being this physically drained makes me even more depressed. I miss being younger!  My body just can't handle the things it used to shrug off easily. 

Stupid body!!

Since being off for a year, I have put on a great deal of weight; almost 30lbs. Ugh! That makes me more depressed as well :(  How can it not?  When hubby asks if I'm ok, I'm usually thinking in my head, "no! I'm not ok! I'm fat, tired and cranky. Why does it never get any better?!!" 

Life is a struggle. I know motherhood is hard for every mother. And being married is a full time job for every wife.  Work is work for every person.  I often feel bad for complaining like I'm doing right now. "Bad Nancy!" 

Can I complain about one more thing?  A few years ago my friends and I went to Cuba....nothing to complain about there!! Except, my friend Tara and I had this drunken mishap one night.
Yah, that's me on my back after she jumped on me. This is my, "I'm ok, but something hurts" look.  Well, I whacked my elbow pretty hard on that marble flooring and am still paying for it today, believe it or not. When we got home from Cuba, I had the elbow x-rayed and the elbow was not broken. My elbow turned a pretty shade of purple but seemed to heal fine. Well, here we are, years later and it still hurts!! I can't straighten my arm anymore and I can't lift anything heavy with that arm.  Today, I went to the doc and got my first cortisone shot in the arm.  I was warned that the elbow could flare up after the shot so tonight should be interesting.  One more thing to complain about, I know!!

Ok, I think I've done enough complaining....maybe.  You know another thing I'm finding incredibly impossible?? (LOL) A few weeks ago I came on here and gave you some helpful hints to get some great sleep. They were sleep hygiene tips that I got from my therapist. The first was to get up the same time every single day. Do you think I could do that?? Hell no!! I cannot help myself. If I don't have anywhere to go and my husband is at home, I'm sleeping in. I just can't get up! What the heck is wrong with me? Why can't I get out of bed? Who knows? I tried giving myself a treat. I said to myself, "Self, if you can get up at 7:30 every day for a week, I will let you go to Lush and have a little shopping spree. You know you love Lush!". See, Lush is my favourite place to shop for handmade soaps and lotions. I would give anything to go there and have a mini shopping spree. But you know what I can't do....GET OUT OF BED ON TIME!!! Not even two days in a row, let alone a week!!! Ugh! I hate myself right now, LOL.

Anyway, there is a little piece of me! Did you enjoy my Tell All Tuesday? I hope so.

Day 20 of the 30 Challenge, by the way, is to talk about a Hobby I have. In case you couldn't guess, my hobby is talking about myself....Um, I hobby is blogging!! Blogging, I meant blogging!

"I needed that. Put a little PEP in my STEP" -Nick Cannon

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