Nothing Changes

Hello, my little friends. Oh, I know how long it has been. Trust me, I know!!!!  I have been away because I thought you might be bored with my bitching. Are you bored! I know I am tired of listening to myself complain!

Things are the same, yet different.  I am taking different meds, yet the result is exactly the same. I feel exactly the same. SHIT. That's is what I say!! Shit is how I feel!!

Today I find myself saddend by the most ridiculous thing. Christmas is driving me mad. The kids are on holidays and I am at home alone with them for a  week....Yikes!!! I am watching the World Junior Hockey Championship.   Canada vs. the Cze's. It's  a great game! But it is reminding me of an incident. Years ago, maybe ten. I was attending the prospects camp game for the Sens. I met a man named Martin Havlat. Got my picture taken with him. Next to him was a man named Karel Rachunek. Cute!!! He signed my playoff sheet; signed it with a heart. He was adorable!!!!!!! In 2011, Karel Rachunel would die in a horrible plane crash.  And now I can't help but think of him, how young he was, how he didn't deserve to die so young. Isn't that a silly thing to be thinking 'bout this time of year!!

Oh man! Life is the same shit, different pile! I am on different meds but nothing has changed. I'm still counting meds and thinking about electronics in the bathtub. Oh boy!

Miss me, have you?

Not Medically Fit

I have 'treatment resistent' Major Depressive Disorder. The treatment resistant part is hard because it means I am constantly trying new medications trying to find the one that works for me. And even when I finally find a medication that's right, it never lasts for very long before my 'rapid drug metabolizing' body starts to reject it and I have to move onto something else.

It's a roller coaster ride!



It can be, well, depressing, to think about all the drugs that I have tried, all the combinations I'm experimented with, all the side effects I've suffered thru.  It's hard not to let it get you down. But if you can't remain positive, then you'll just succumb and be this blob of nothingness.

I am currently on long term disability from a successful career at Staples.  I have been unable to function as a normal employee for over a year now.  Today I had my interview with my insurance company. They want to know why I can't work, obviously.  This isn't like a physical disability that is easy to see. I don't have a broken leg.  It's complicated.  It is sometimes hard to explain and it is always upsetting.

I can be really hard on myself. I say things like, "why is this taking so long?" or "why can't I just be normal again?".  My psychiatrist answers me simply, "Nancy, if this was cancer or diabetes, you would take the time to take care of yourself. It takes as long as it takes. Everyone is different." It's not always easy to hear and it's definitely difficult to internalize. I hear it but it's hard to live it.

Today I was told by my insurance company that I am not "medically fit for work". Since I am still in the middle of finding a medication that works for me, I'm not ready to think about going back to work. (Picture me here with shoulders slumped in resignation).

So that's that for now. How do I get better? How long will it take? Will I have to live like this for the rest of my life? What happened to the woman I used to be? Am I able to live the rest of life as this new person? How do I accept it and move on? I just wanna move on!!!

Anyway, that's my vent for today. Leave it or lump it!!!

Insomnia is the Worst!

I've taken a dozens of different anti depressants over the years and I must admit that almost all of them cause insomnia.  Some are guiltier than others, I will say that much. This new drug I'm taking, Manerix, is horrible for the insomnia. Almost every night I am awake for at least an hour, if not two or three. Unable to sleep, I come downstairs and read a book or check out Facebook to pass the time. I dim the back light on my lappy so that it's not too bright in here. Sometimes I will have a sleepytime tea or I'll warm up some milk and drink that. I HATE WARM MILK, but when you're desperate, you're desperate. I chug it while plugging my nose! LOL.

I hate having insomnia. I hate it because it makes me so tired during the day. Insomnia always begins the vicious nap cycle. I have insomnia so I'm tired during the day. Inevitably I will take a nap (usually in the morning). But because I nap, I have a hard time falling asleep at night or staying asleep for any length of time.  And so the vicious cycle starts again.  My therapist once told me to never, ever nap unless I was actually sick. But I'm so freakin' tired!!

I'm a good girl and I listen to my sleep hygiene which says I can't stay in bed if I'm not sleeping. But I miss my bed right now. I want to be asleep more than anything!!!

I'll give it another half hour or so, but then I'm outta here and back into my snuggly bed!

Complaining about my Depression.....Again

There once was a time when I would gladly accept an invitation to any social event, like a birthday party, wedding reception or church event. I am naturally a little shy, but once I would get into the situation, I would mellow out and always enjoy myself. Especially if I could have a drink or two.  I was a social butterfly. When I was in University, I had a party at my place almost every weekend. I loved having a group of friends over where we could hang out, have a drink, talk til the wee hours of the morning.

This 'condition' of mine has really changed who I am.  I accept any invitation reluctantly.  If I've said I will attend a party, chances are now only 50/50 that I will actually be in attendance. I can't make any promises. Oh sure, I want to go. When I accept the invitation, I'm excited about the prospect of hanging out with friends and getting back out into the world. But when the big day arrives, it is my disease that dictates my actions, not my wants and desires. No matter how hard I push myself, sometimes I just can't make myself do the things that I used to love and cherish.

I am just miserable lately. I switched medications about two weeks ago. I was, as always, hopeful that this new medication would be the one that makes it all ok. It's not turning out to be that way. I'm sick all the time. I'm so tired. My anxiety at these social situations has not changed one bit.  And I still beat myself up about it constantly.

My depression is an abusive voice inside my head. I can turn everything into a horrible onslaught of guilt. Guilt, guilt, guilt.  I am a horrible mother. I am a horrible wife. I'm a horrible friend. I'm a really horrible employee. It never ends. 

Ugh! Depression sucks!! Especially this week!!

Sometimes mistakes are made

I know I haven't been in here in awhile. I've been a mess.  Changing meds has been extremely difficult. I have been so sick.  I'm trying to be a regular Mom and wife while feeling like absolute garbage which has not been easy. I've been a right bitch, let's be honest. 

Everyday I take the boys to the park after dinner. I do this because if I stayed home with them I might lose my mind! Hubby says at least they are getting some exercise!

Tonight was ridiculous. My eldest decided to ignore everything I said to him tonight And when he did finally pay attention to me, he would talk back, be snarky and generally rude to me. So I put him to bed early. That did not go over well.  He had a nuclear meltdown.  I thought I was going to lose my shit tonight.  Thank God my mother in law was here to give me a break because I was about to do something that I was not going to be proud of tomorrow.  I guess we all go thru those moments as a parent where we want to rip our hair out, right?  I'm just glad this night is over!

So, let me get to giant mistake I made. I switched meds three weeks ago. I thought I was taking 450mg of said new medication. But I had a look at the prescription bottle today and it turns out that the pills are only 150mgs each, not 300. I've only been taking 200 mgs instead of 450. Ooops. I told the doc I would be up to 600mgs by my next appointment next week. Yikes. The horrible thing is that these drugs have been making me extremely nauseaous and give me horrible headaches and I'm not even taking close to the amount I'm supposed to be taking! What if I up the millegrams and it just gets worse? How the hell am I supposed to function as a good wife and mother when I can barely function as a human being??

Wish me luck!

I Believe

we're currently watching America's Got Talent and I just loved the song that Silhouette used for thier set.  I Believe by Blessed Union of Souls.  Just beautiful!

http://youtu.be/cv9iKYwp7ps

The A thru Z of Me

Well, hello Again!!  I wish I could say that I was productive today, but nope! I accomplished next to nothing!  I have been feeling much better these last few days, but today was a little bit of a hiccup.  I was nauseous all afternoon and ended up napping, which I try never to do!  But I was oooh so ill! 

So let's have a little fun to pick us all up! What better way to have a good time then to talk about myself!! LOL.

A. age: 36.  As my wise friend Krista said today, don't let my immaturity fool you, I am actually 36 years old. 

B. bed size: King all the way.  And I am a bed HOG. Don't touch me when I'm trying to sleep, don't come on my side of the bed looking for snuggles. Cuz ooooh, you gonna get the ice, cold shoulder and a kick to the groin!

C. chore you hate:  I HATE laundry. I freakin' HATE folding and putting it away. And I've never hated it more than since I had children.  All those little, itty, bitty pieces of clothing, ACK!

D. dogs: I am not a dog person. Sorry!  I find dogs smelly no matter how often you clean them and I hate all the drooling! Ugh.  My inlaws (who live with us) have a 105lb boxer named Bagua and he just embodies everything I dislike in dogs.  Poor dogs. It's not their fault. I'm obsessed with smell!  Don't hate me, it's just who I am.

E. essential start to your day: My drugs!! LOL. No seriously, if I don't take my meds in the morning, you don't wanna mess with me. And breakfast. I gotta have breakfast or I'm just not a normal, functioning human being.


F. favorite color: Pink. I love pink!!  I'm a fan or yellow and orange as well, but who isn't?

G. gold or silver: Silver....or white gold. I think gold looks "cheap" on me.

H. height: 5'8".  I was once told this makes me an Amazon, but I'm actually the runt in my family. My Aunts, Uncles, cousins, siblings, Mom, everybody is taller than me.

I. instruments you play: I'm gonna go with nothing on this one. I used to be able to read music for piano but it has been years!

J. job title: just MOM right now.  When I am working I am a Divisional Sales Manager in charge of Capital Goods at Staples.


K. kids: 2 mind blowingly awesome boys aged 3 and 5.


L. live: Barrhaven, which is in the suburbs of Ottawa

M. maiden name: Ducharme. Growing up I wasn't fond of my name because I lived in mostly French communities with a French last name and didn't speak a lick of French.  Now my maiden name just makes me think of my Dad and I'm proud of it!

N. nicknames: does Mom count?  I've had the nickname Naughty Naner for years, but I'm trying desperately to shed it.

P. pet peeve: Oh, where to start?  It's not my fault, ok? I'm OCD!  Bad smells, people who don't use their turn signals while driving, nail clipping in public (yuck!), cars that take up two parking spots, when someone reads over my shoulder (oooh, I hate that!!!), television edited movies (I have been known to turn off a movie on tv, drive to the video store, buy it, come home and start it all over again cuz I'm so mad!!) , when people screw up their/there/they're, people who can only talk about themselves, when my FIL calls it WalmartS instead of Walmart (there is no S!!) Trekkies that just can't enjoy the new Star Trek movie for it's awesomeness, when people tell me a story and insist on telling me the ethnicity of the person they're talking about, (like it matters!), when my PVR misses taping the last two minutes of Fringe (NNNNooooooooO!!!!!!!) , when the garbage man throws my garbage cans all over my front yard, when the cashier hands you the coins on top of the bills and it makes you look like a tool when you try and put it away, when someone calls me at work and says, "someone called me from this number" (Do you realize that there are 20 people in this building right now?), people who sing along with the radio when I'm in the car, people who say a movie sucks before they even see it (this is directed at my brother who believes that Avatar is a shitty movie and yet refuses to watch it), people who drive like a distracted moron because they are on their cell phones (I wish you could call the cops for this like you can with drunk drivers), getting out of the shower and realizing I've forgotten to get a towel (DAMN!),  ....MY GAWD, am I an asshole?   I always feel bad when people ask me what my pet peeves are because I can go and on and on and I begin to realize how awful I really am!!! Ugh. 

Q. quote: "You don't have to be the PERFECT parent. You simply have to be GOOD ENOUGH."

R. righty or lefty: righty.

S. siblings: that's complicated. I have a brother, a half brother, a half sister and a step sister. But I call them all brother or sister cuz I don't care how I came about them, they're all mine!!

T. time you wake up: are the kids awake?  I hate getting up early, but I'm usually more chipper in the morning than I am in the afternoon.

U. university attended: Carleton University in Ottawa


V. vegetables you dislike: I don't like any vegetable that you cook til it's all mushy like squash or turnip. I hate the baby food consistency, bleck!


W. what makes you run late: Ooooh, I am very rarely late! (it's that damn OCD again). Being late makes me all panicky. If I am late, it's usually someone else's fault like the kids or hubby.  And oooh, am I grumpy when I'm late!

X. x-rays you’ve had: most recently it would be my elbow. I had a drunken episode while in Cuba (that damn Tara!) and I had to have it checked out when I got back to Canada. I didn't break it, but I did have to have a cortisone shot to get rid of the chronic pain.  Lesson learned!

Y. yummy food: Lebanese is my all-time fav.

Z. zoo animal favorite: the killer whales at MarineLand!  I never get tired of that show. My favourite part is when they release the seals into the water with the killer whales and then everyone laughs as the killer whale chases it around...you know, cuz it's normally FOOD!  "This time I'm gonna catch that f**ker!"

Well, Hello!!

Oh Boy, oh boy! You would not believe the week I have had!! I don't even know where to begin...

I have come to the conclusion that mental illness sucks the big one, yes. BUT, the worst part isn't the diagnosis or the disease...it's the freakin' drugs!! They're trying to kill me, I swear it!

I came off Cymbalta. It took two weeks. I felt pretty spectacular and was damn proud of myself. When I went back to see the doc after two weeks, he said he was quite impressed at my progress. It isn't easy coming off an anti-depressant, you see. And to come off one without incident is pretty impressive.  I am the Woman!!!

Or so I thought.

The doc gave me a prescription for my brand spanking new anti depressant that day. I was to start it the next day and I was stoked!  This one is going to be the one!! The one that makes me feel all better! I'm sure of it!!

Then I spent three days in HELL!!! Hell, I tell ya!!!!  I was finally off Cymbalta and that was great. But I was completely unprepared for the withdrawal effects. Oh my, oh my! I figured the withdrawal effects would hit me right away but no. They bated their time and waited til I was feeling all smug about myself.  The withdrawal effects knocked me on my ass and left me incapacitated for three days.  Dizzy so bad I could barely stand. Headaches so severe I could hardly see straight. And oh the vomiting. The constant nausea and barfing my brains out. What a mess I was! 

This house was a shambles.  God love my boys, but they're 3 and 5 and really know how to run a muck, you know what I'm saying? And when Mommy doesn't feel good, they know it. Sure, they were good boys and stayed mostly outta my way. My inlaws stayed home with me and helped me take care of the boys while I was so sick.  I slept for three days straight. I woke only to eat dry toast and puke. Bleck!  I definitely got a lot of kisses from my little men. But this house was a mess! You can really tell when Mommy isn't feeling so hot because the house just gets messier and messier. Day by day I could see the mess piling up.

Today, finally, I have started to come out the other side of this madness.  I have finally been able to hold down a meal. I finally started taking my new medication today. I hadn't felt well enough to even try before now. And today this Momma went all mad up in this house!!  My inlaws took the boys on a little road trip today and my hubby is working. I had the house all to myself. I still feel a little dizzy but I just couldn't handle the mess anymore!!!  So I wobbled my sorry ass around the house, doing little bit by little bit. I had to take constant breaks. The more dizzy I get, the more my head hurts, the more nausea I feel. So I keep taking breaks.  But it's amazing what you can get done with a little gumption!!

So, that's my story.  Sorry I was gone for so long!!

P.S.  I don't know if it's the lack of drugs or what, but I watched Dogma today and thought it was the funniest freakin' movie I have ever seen!!! My emotional tuning fork has been set to uber-sensitive lately so everything makes me cry or laugh hysterically!  But dang, that movie is funny!!

Night times are the worst....

I'm currently weaning off Cymbalta. I was taking 120mgs every morning and as of this morning, I am now taking 30mgs.  You wanna know the funniest thing? I didn't do any research about possible side effects of weaning until just now. Mostly I didn't want to know what was coming. When I spoke to the doc about weaning, he said mostly it would be fine. He said I might experience a few minor side effects, but as long as I came off slowly, I should be fine.  So I took 60mgs for a week and now have cut it in half again and will stay here for a full week.

What am I feeling so far? Nausea. A whole lot of nausea. I had no idea what a "brain zap" was until today. It's like a headache that hits you like lightening and then disappears.  Over and over and over again.  And then the nausea again! Ugh!! And some serious GI issues that you probably don't want to hear about.  And then some more nausea. 

My two boys were fairly good to me today. I took them to the park for a few hours so they'd be good and tired at bedtime.  It worked fairly well.  One of the side effects right now that drives me a little bananas is this constant feeling of nervousness.  But it's only bad at night. During the day I seem alright. But at night, ooooh boy!  The boys freak me out a bit when they try and climb all over me.  It's like I'm freaking out but I don't know why.  Does that make any sense?

I told you I was gonna come in here and rant a little bit while I was doing this weaning thing! Who knew there would be weaning in my life after my babies!!!  But here I am....weaning!!

Did I mention the nausea?

The Side Effects Are What?

I know I have gone on this rant before but I can't help but revisit it.  Here's why.

This week my psychiatrist has decided it's time to try something new for my Major Depressive Disorder. I've been taking Cymbalta for quite awhile now. Cymbalta is a type of antidepressant called a  serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor.  The doc thinks this type of drug is no longer doing what it should so it's time to start something else. His suggestion is Manerix, a monoamine oxidase inhibitor. I'm usually game for trying something new. I mean, I've tried two dozen different types of medications by now, what's one more, right. But damn!   Check this list out first

     •abdominal or stomach pain or discomfort
     •constipation

     •diarrhea
     •dizziness
     •dryness of mouth
     •increased or decreased appetite
     •nausea
     •nightmares

     •trembling or shaking of arms or legs

     •trouble sleeping
     •vomiting

This list of possible side effects is actually pretty tame. All of the above can be found on almost any anti-depressant.  That's not what scares me about the new drug I'm 'about' to take.  Check the list out of possible interactions...

•alcohol (DAMN!)

•amphetamines (e.g., dextroamphetamine) •anesthetics (e.g., halothane) •antipsychotic medications (e.g., haloperidol, quetiapine, risperidone) •appetite suppressants (e.g., sibutramine, mazindol) •atomoxetine
•bupropion •buspirone •carbamazepine •cimetidine •cyclobenzaprine
•decongestants (e.g., phenylephrine, oxymetazoline, pseudoephedrine, tetrahydrazoline, xylometazoline)
•desvenlafaxine •dextromethorphan •entacapone •fluconazole •gemfibrozil •glaucoma medications (e.g., apraclonidine, brimonidine) •isoniazid •levodopa •linezolid •meperidine •methadone •methyldopa •mirtazapine •modafinil •narcotic medications (e.g., fentanyl, morphine, codeine) •other MAO inhibitors (e.g., phenelzine, tranylcypromine)
•S-adenosylmethionine (SAMe) supplements •SSRI antidepressants (e.g., citalopram, duloxetine, fluoxetine, paroxetine, sertraline) •St. Johns wort •sympathomimetic medications (e.g., epinephrine, norepinephrine) •tapentadol •tetrabenazine
•thioridazine •ticlopidine •tramadol •tricyclic antidepressants (e.g., amitriptyline, clomipramine, desipramine)
•"triptan" migraine medications (e.g., rizatriptan, sumatriptan) •tryptophan •venlafaxine

Basically what the list says is don't take anything.....ever.....without asking someone first if it's ok.  And no more drinking?? Did I mention Damn??  I guess sacrifices must be made to get better but I'm a little nervous about "the List".  I've never had to worry about so much before with any medication I've taken.  I guess this one will be interesting.

Now for the worst part about switching medications. Cymbalta and Manerix cannot be in my blood system at the same time. This means I must come off Cymbalta completely before switching to Manerix. I am, of course, weaning myself of Cymbalta over the next two weeks which, in and of itself should be interesting. But this means I will be without medication for a little while.  Fascinating stuff. The last time I weaned off a medication, I went a little CRAZY!!  Ok, crazy doesn't even begin to describe the madness that ensued! 

Did I mention that my daycare lady quit and that we have still be unable to find a suitable replacement? Double DAMN!!  I think I might lose my mind over the next three weeks!

So, if I'm in here every now and then complaining and whining and maybe freaking out a little bit, you'll know why!!!

Sunday Stealing

It's Sunday Stealing time so I'm stealing this from

What's the longest shift that you worked at a job? I've worked a few 13 hour shifts at my current job, but it's been awhile.  Of course, I haven't been at work in so long, I've forgotten what it's like to work until you're exhausted.

What was the last concert that you attended?  I can't even remember, that's how long it has been.  Probably a Bluesfest concert of some sort. I think I saw Sum 41 last? Boy, that woulda been like 10 years ago!

What's the last DVD (or Blu Ray, of course) movie that you watched? Last night we watched 'Wanted' on BluRay.  I wanted to watch a movie with James McAvoy in it to see if he always had an accent in his films or not.  He does not!

 

How did you like the film?  It was entertaining. I found parts of it hilarious, actually. I love James' character Wesley. He's so quiet and unassuming in the beginning and by the end, he is ripped and kicking ass. Awesome.

 

What comedian do you love?.  We just did a fundraiser at Absolute Comedy and I have to say that Trent McClellan is hilarious!!!  I was in tears for most of his show. If you get a chance to check him out, do so!

Do you ever sleep in the nude? Almost never. The only time I wake up nude are the nights I over-drink and Kirk "puts me to bed". That's cuz he's a boy.  Thank goodness it doesn't happen often because I hate sleeping nude!

Have you ever had a long distance relationship? Yes.  I dated  a boy who lived in Calgary which is two time zones away from here.  It only lasted about six months before he moved back to Ottawa.

What do you think of astrology?   I have "Gemini" tattooed in Chinese on my back.  I don't know much about astrology but I do know that I am ALL Gemini.

What's you're favorite lyric quote from a song?  "I'm never alone. I'm alone all the time" Glycerine by Bush

Tell us something random about yourself.  I recently discovered the Tassimo. Before it, I almost never drank hot liquids of any kind. Now I have a cappaccino or latte every day.

Have ever attended a theme party? If yes, do tell.  I attended a Murder Mystery party once where we were supposed to dress up. It was fun because I was the murderer!  I can't remember if anyone guess it was me or not.

What is your favorite thing about winter? I love it when the snow falls. Here in Ottawa we can get some pretty cold days, but when it snows it means it's not that cold and the effect is just beautiful!

What was the name of your first pet?  I don't actually remember having a pet that was all mine as a child. When I was in University a boy I was dating gave me a kitten and I named her Marbles. She's almost 15 years old now and this fat, ol' thing. I love her to pieces!

What have you done so far this weekend? On Saturday I took the boys to visit Daddy at work. Staples was having a fundraising event using a Dunk Tank. Both boys got to dunk Daddy and they thought it was awesome! I had fun doing it, too, I must say! Then today we took the boys to the water park. In the afternoon, my neice came over and we spent the rest of the day playing with her. Busy, busy, busy with 3 kids running around!

 

Has your humor ever been called “sick”?  Not that I know of.  I'm a bit quirky, but not really sick minded.

If you could have one thing, what would it be?  Right this second? I would love a good movie to watch!  LOL.  Overall, if there is one thing I could have it would be for neither of my kids to ever get seriously ill. I can live with mild fevers and runny noses. I just don't know how well I would deal with something severe. I would be a blubbery mess!

Day 10 Ten Secrets!

Here we are, day 10. We have finally reached the end! This challenge was easy, I can't wait to move on to the next one!!  Here are ten little secrets about me...

1. Although I haven't watched a single episode, I am currently watching "So You Think You Can Dance". My father in law is making me watch it. I'm not a fan. In fact, I usually hate most tv that he watches.

2. I only read the "Coles Notes" for Moby Dick and Paradise Lost in University. Still managed to get a B!

3. I'm a Twilight fan! I've read all the books and been to the midnight showing for the last two films. I had never heard of the books until the first movie came out on DVD. Watched it and fell madly in love!  Don't ask me which because I can't choose between Edward or Jacob! They're both hot!

5. When I was in my 20's, I swore I would never have kids...EVER! I thought I was too selfish to have them.

4.  My middle name is Ann-Marie. Yes, is it hyphenated.  I'm not embarrassed about my middle name and I think it's weird when people won't tell me what their middle name is. It's not your fault!

6.  I tried to go back to work after being on disability for a year. It didn't go well. I am filled with tremendous guilt about it.

7.  I didn't own a car until I was 30. It is only because of my husband that I got my first car. Without him I'd still be taking the bus!

8.  I have a tail. No, I don't want to talk about it :(

9. I don't like Glee. Sorry. In fact, I hate musicals period.

10.  I currently weigh more than I did when I was pregnant. Now that's sad! 

Well, that's it for this challenge!  Hope you had a nice time reading cuz I had time writing it!

Day 9 Nine Loves

Day 9 is upon us! And I don't have much time to finish this post before I head out for dinner with my good friend Shelley!  So here goes...

1. I love my first born. He's funny and energetic. He's got adorable blue eyes and loves to be smothered in kisses. He's independent and yet loves to sit with him momma! He's my "big guy"!

2. I love my youngest. He's and adorable little bundle of energy! He's feisty and hilarious. He's uber-cute and I love to take pictures of him sleeping!!

3. I love my husband. He's supportive to a fault. He puts up with my shit with not much complaint. He's a great Dad and a great husband. He's one of those rare guys that every woman wants but rarely finds!

4. I love Coach purses!! I'm a purse snob! I don't own one but I swear I will have one before I turn 40!

5. I love walking in the woods! I love spending time in nature with my kids. I love their curiosity about the things around them and I love teaching them about the different animals and plants. I love feeding the birds with them!

6. I love the city I live it. Barrhaven is beautiful. There are tons of things to do, tons of paths to walk on, and tons of friendly people to hang out with. I love my neighbours!  All of them! Some of them cook for me, one of them introduced me to Pampered Chef and several of them have the most adorable little babies!! It's a perfect place to live.

7. I love to eat out at restaurants. I hate cooking for myself so it as a real treat when I get to go out with a friend and have dinner. I can't wait for Shelley to call so we can go somewhere; anywhere! Anywhere where I don't have to cook it or clean up after it! Awesome!

8. I love to read. I love to escape into a book and forget about how complicated life can be.  Right now I am reading The Girl Who Played With Fire and have heard that this series is really awesome. So far, so good.

9. I love my garden!! Everyone that reads my blog knows that! My garden is my passion. I hate digging in the dirt and I hate getting dirty, but I sure do love the end results!!

Day 8 Eight Fears

Hello!  Welcome to day 8 of our 10 Day You Challenge.  Let's talk about fears! Ugh!! My first fear is every mothers fear....please, please, please don't let anything bad happen to my baby boys!  Actually this could take up all eight fears if you think about it. I'm afraid they'll get into an accident or get hurt. I'm (especially) afraid that they will be bullied and I won't know how to handle it. I'm afraid they won't have the confidence to be successful in school and that I will fail them somehow. I'm especially afraid of failing them!!!  I just want them to feel secure and happy in their world.

I'm afraid of my illness rubbing off on my children. I'm afraid one of them will one day suffer with depression the way that I do. I'm afraid of heredity!  I'm afraid that one day my babies will need therapy and we'll say bad things about me as their mother.  Ugh! I think this is my biggest fear. All I want is for my children to grow up and say that they had a good mother, not a crazy mother. But we all know that's probably not going to happen! LOL.

Let's move on from my babies, shall we??  I'm not afraid of the usual things. I'm not afraid of heights, spiders, snakes, etc. I do absolutely HATE earwigs! I'm not a bug person AT ALL!!  My hubby is afraid of birds flying at him but that doesn't bother me. I'm not afraid of flying or roller coasters! I don't have these usual fears. I'm not afraid of thunder or lightening; I love both! 

I'm afraid of losing another person close to me. I cling to my friends now like never before. I'm afraid of funerals!! I'm afraid of hospitals! I'm sick of visiting people in them and I'm sick of visiting them myself!

I love horror movies and I'm not afraid of much when I'm watching them. The thing that scares me the most is ghosts! I'm convinced we have a ghost living in our basement and that little fu**er scares me all the time!  He has a thing about my laundry room and I am afraid of being down there by myself alone for too long! 

Ok, I think that's more than eight, but you get the picture!  I don't really have any crazy phobias, just a little OCD! LoL.

What about you? What are you afraid of?

Day 7 Seven Wants

Holy Crap, I missed a day!! I know, I know. Punishable by flogging! I have a really great excuse though. Wanna hear it???

On December 6th, 2009 a wonderful woman named Donna Jones was tragically lost to us, stolen by her abusive husband.  In her memory, a group of her friends, family and co workers got together and had a wee fundraiser in her honor. Last night was the big night. We all gathered at Absolute Comedy and had a wonderful evening of laughter, memories and of course, money!!!  I am so proud of the woman (and a few hubbys) who pulled together and organized this wonderful event. And the greatest news? We raised $6089!!! All the proceeds are being donated to Nelson House, a woman's shelter here in Ottawa. I'm welling up with happy tears at how well our 1st fundraising event went and hope & pray we can do it all again next year!

So, while we're on such a happy topic, I thought we'd continue on with our YOU challenge.

1.  In keeping with the above blessing, I want us to celebrate our wonderful contribution last night to Nelson House. I want each and every person who donated money to this great cause to have a sense of peace and happiness today!  And although losing Donna has been extremely hard, I hope that we can all take a bit of comfort knowing we are now helping dozens of other women get out before it's too late.

2.  I want a Coach purse!!! LOL

3.  I want my children to know love and happiness all thier lives. It doesn't have to be perfect, but I want them to know right from wrong, love from sadness and to realize how special they are to me!

4.  I want to lose some freakin' weight!!!  At my heaviest, I now weigh 215lbs!! And although I think I make chubby look cute, I'm sick of it!!! I want/need the strength to get up off my chubby butt and do the things that are necessary. To make the positive changes I need to make! I want to exercise more!!! I want to go to the gym (with my friend Shelley) and kick some serious butt!!!

5.  I want (please, please, please) to go at least one full year without attending another funeral. I've been to like 12 funerals in the last 3.5years and I'm kinda getting tired of wearing all this black, shedding all these tears and greiving all this loss!  Just one year!!! 

6.  I want all new towels! I know it's simple, but if I had to think of one brand new thing I want for this house right away, it would be new towels! Fresh smelling, clean, PINK towels! Ok, ok, they don't have to be pink. But NEW, definitely new!!

7.  I want world peace. Is that too damn much to ask. Actually what I really want is for every person to treat others the way they want to be treated.  I want every country to take care of itself with respect and love for everyone. Cheese and sprinkles, can we get some sanity around here!

(that's right, I said Cheese and sprinkles!!)



Day 6 Six Places

The first place is definitely my garden at home. But you knew that already, didn't you?? LOL.

This is Pink Lake at Gatineau Park. It is so beautiful here!

Or how about XelHa, in the Mayan Riviera? Beautiful as well.

Actually, everywhere in Mexico is wonderful. This is Los Cabos. It's where we went on our honeymoon.

But I like to stay around home, too. HOw about the Tulip Festival in Ottawa?

Or just hanging out in Barrhaven is always awesome, too!!! I love home!

Day 5

Good Evening!! How was your day today?? Today I went golfing with hubby. This was my 2nd time golfing and I did alright.  I don't mind doing 9 holes, but I find 18 to be just too many! But I had fun nonetheless.

Well, we're on day 5, five foods! As you've learnt in the past, Lebanese food is my favourite. If I had to pick on thing I loved the most, it would have to be hummus and pita. Delicious and such a good snack!

Whenever I go to a new restaurant, I usually order a club sandwich, especially in the summer time. It's just so delicious!

For dessert, I would like an Apple Blossom. It's like warm apple pie! Just put a drop of vanilla ice cream on top and it's golden!

And of course, let's not forget a drink. I have a 'thing' for martini's lately. Mmmmmmmmm

Lately, my favourite summer time food is definitely pasta salad. I never used to like pasta salad but it has definitely grown on me lately!!

That's it for today, my friends!! Quick and easy!!! What are some of your favourite foods??

Day 4 Four Books

 Four Books?? Easy Peasy!!!

This is the book I am reading right now. I am a huge Dan Brown fan and love every book he's written. I enjoy reading them and then looking up online all the cool places that the characters go to. I even enjoy the movies made out of his books and can't wait for Lost Symbol to come out! I love Washington!!!

This is the book I plan to read when I'm finished the Lost Symbol. I read the first one last month.

These books were absolutely fabulous and rank up there with some of my favourites. I think the third one was my favourite...I think.....

And this is my favourite book of all time.

I could go on and on about books. I love to read and I will read just about anything. I am stopping by the library later on today in fact, to pick up a book I have been waiting for by Mark Vonnegut.  I'm going to be busy reading for the next few weeks!!

OOoooh, and while you're here, have a look at some more garden pictures. You know you never get tired of looking at my garden!! This first pic is of the garden in the front yard followed by some individuals from the front garden.

This is my large hibiscus in the back garden! Super huge!

Day 3 Three Films

Hi Again!!! Welcome back to the 10 Day You Challenge!

Today is Day 3.  Here is 3 movies that I watched in the last week. We watch a lot of movies so it was hard to pick just 3!!!

We just watched this one last night. It was such a cute love story, and yet very interesting and exciting at the same time.

This is what I am watching RIGHT NOW with the boys and they are laughing their butts off!! Such a cute movie.

Kirk and I watched The Losers just last week and I thought it was pretty funny. Of course, the plot was greatly enhanced by the addition of Jeffrey Dean Morgan!!!!



Day 2 is Two songs....

Song number one is Mr Saxobeat by Alexandra Stan. Every single time this song comes on the radio I can't help but dance along!!

This next song kinda reminds me of my life sometimes. It's not always easy and I often feel I'm picking up the pieces of my life over and over again.

the 10 Day You Challenge

I was reading thru some blogs and ran across Dawns' blog called the Momologues.  She's doing this adorable challenge and I thought I'd steal it. Check it out...

Here is ONE PICTURE

I keep telling myself (and everyone) that I am going to grow my hair out. Then it starts to get longer and I quickly get annoyed with it. This is me after yet another hair cut that I swore I wouldn't get!