Thursday, 29 September 2011

Not Medically Fit

I have 'treatment resistent' Major Depressive Disorder. The treatment resistant part is hard because it means I am constantly trying new medications trying to find the one that works for me. And even when I finally find a medication that's right, it never lasts for very long before my 'rapid drug metabolizing' body starts to reject it and I have to move onto something else.

It's a roller coaster ride!

It can be, well, depressing, to think about all the drugs that I have tried, all the combinations I'm experimented with, all the side effects I've suffered thru.  It's hard not to let it get you down. But if you can't remain positive, then you'll just succumb and be this blob of nothingness.

I am currently on long term disability from a successful career at Staples.  I have been unable to function as a normal employee for over a year now.  Today I had my interview with my insurance company. They want to know why I can't work, obviously.  This isn't like a physical disability that is easy to see. I don't have a broken leg.  It's complicated.  It is sometimes hard to explain and it is always upsetting.

I can be really hard on myself. I say things like, "why is this taking so long?" or "why can't I just be normal again?".  My psychiatrist answers me simply, "Nancy, if this was cancer or diabetes, you would take the time to take care of yourself. It takes as long as it takes. Everyone is different." It's not always easy to hear and it's definitely difficult to internalize. I hear it but it's hard to live it.

Today I was told by my insurance company that I am not "medically fit for work". Since I am still in the middle of finding a medication that works for me, I'm not ready to think about going back to work. (Picture me here with shoulders slumped in resignation).

So that's that for now. How do I get better? How long will it take? Will I have to live like this for the rest of my life? What happened to the woman I used to be? Am I able to live the rest of life as this new person? How do I accept it and move on? I just wanna move on!!!

Anyway, that's my vent for today. Leave it or lump it!!!


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