Monday, 26 September 2011

Complaining about my Depression.....Again

There once was a time when I would gladly accept an invitation to any social event, like a birthday party, wedding reception or church event. I am naturally a little shy, but once I would get into the situation, I would mellow out and always enjoy myself. Especially if I could have a drink or two.  I was a social butterfly. When I was in University, I had a party at my place almost every weekend. I loved having a group of friends over where we could hang out, have a drink, talk til the wee hours of the morning.

This 'condition' of mine has really changed who I am.  I accept any invitation reluctantly.  If I've said I will attend a party, chances are now only 50/50 that I will actually be in attendance. I can't make any promises. Oh sure, I want to go. When I accept the invitation, I'm excited about the prospect of hanging out with friends and getting back out into the world. But when the big day arrives, it is my disease that dictates my actions, not my wants and desires. No matter how hard I push myself, sometimes I just can't make myself do the things that I used to love and cherish.

I am just miserable lately. I switched medications about two weeks ago. I was, as always, hopeful that this new medication would be the one that makes it all ok. It's not turning out to be that way. I'm sick all the time. I'm so tired. My anxiety at these social situations has not changed one bit.  And I still beat myself up about it constantly.

My depression is an abusive voice inside my head. I can turn everything into a horrible onslaught of guilt. Guilt, guilt, guilt.  I am a horrible mother. I am a horrible wife. I'm a horrible friend. I'm a really horrible employee. It never ends. 

Ugh! Depression sucks!! Especially this week!!

1 comment:

  1. i soooo feel your pain -- just finally admitting that the meds i am on now are not doing the trick and those old feelings are lurking again. it is daunting on top of being depressing... ahhh the vicious cycle. and the social thing -- me to a *T*!
    wow... reading that made me realize the intense hold this disease has on my life...
    thanks for sharing!

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    misadventures of a chunky goddess