Nothing Changes

Hello, my little friends. Oh, I know how long it has been. Trust me, I know!!!!  I have been away because I thought you might be bored with my bitching. Are you bored! I know I am tired of listening to myself complain!

Things are the same, yet different.  I am taking different meds, yet the result is exactly the same. I feel exactly the same. SHIT. That's is what I say!! Shit is how I feel!!

Today I find myself saddend by the most ridiculous thing. Christmas is driving me mad. The kids are on holidays and I am at home alone with them for a  week....Yikes!!! I am watching the World Junior Hockey Championship.   Canada vs. the Cze's. It's  a great game! But it is reminding me of an incident. Years ago, maybe ten. I was attending the prospects camp game for the Sens. I met a man named Martin Havlat. Got my picture taken with him. Next to him was a man named Karel Rachunek. Cute!!! He signed my playoff sheet; signed it with a heart. He was adorable!!!!!!! In 2011, Karel Rachunel would die in a horrible plane crash.  And now I can't help but think of him, how young he was, how he didn't deserve to die so young. Isn't that a silly thing to be thinking 'bout this time of year!!

Oh man! Life is the same shit, different pile! I am on different meds but nothing has changed. I'm still counting meds and thinking about electronics in the bathtub. Oh boy!

Miss me, have you?

Not Medically Fit

I have 'treatment resistent' Major Depressive Disorder. The treatment resistant part is hard because it means I am constantly trying new medications trying to find the one that works for me. And even when I finally find a medication that's right, it never lasts for very long before my 'rapid drug metabolizing' body starts to reject it and I have to move onto something else.

It's a roller coaster ride!



It can be, well, depressing, to think about all the drugs that I have tried, all the combinations I'm experimented with, all the side effects I've suffered thru.  It's hard not to let it get you down. But if you can't remain positive, then you'll just succumb and be this blob of nothingness.

I am currently on long term disability from a successful career at Staples.  I have been unable to function as a normal employee for over a year now.  Today I had my interview with my insurance company. They want to know why I can't work, obviously.  This isn't like a physical disability that is easy to see. I don't have a broken leg.  It's complicated.  It is sometimes hard to explain and it is always upsetting.

I can be really hard on myself. I say things like, "why is this taking so long?" or "why can't I just be normal again?".  My psychiatrist answers me simply, "Nancy, if this was cancer or diabetes, you would take the time to take care of yourself. It takes as long as it takes. Everyone is different." It's not always easy to hear and it's definitely difficult to internalize. I hear it but it's hard to live it.

Today I was told by my insurance company that I am not "medically fit for work". Since I am still in the middle of finding a medication that works for me, I'm not ready to think about going back to work. (Picture me here with shoulders slumped in resignation).

So that's that for now. How do I get better? How long will it take? Will I have to live like this for the rest of my life? What happened to the woman I used to be? Am I able to live the rest of life as this new person? How do I accept it and move on? I just wanna move on!!!

Anyway, that's my vent for today. Leave it or lump it!!!

Insomnia is the Worst!

I've taken a dozens of different anti depressants over the years and I must admit that almost all of them cause insomnia.  Some are guiltier than others, I will say that much. This new drug I'm taking, Manerix, is horrible for the insomnia. Almost every night I am awake for at least an hour, if not two or three. Unable to sleep, I come downstairs and read a book or check out Facebook to pass the time. I dim the back light on my lappy so that it's not too bright in here. Sometimes I will have a sleepytime tea or I'll warm up some milk and drink that. I HATE WARM MILK, but when you're desperate, you're desperate. I chug it while plugging my nose! LOL.

I hate having insomnia. I hate it because it makes me so tired during the day. Insomnia always begins the vicious nap cycle. I have insomnia so I'm tired during the day. Inevitably I will take a nap (usually in the morning). But because I nap, I have a hard time falling asleep at night or staying asleep for any length of time.  And so the vicious cycle starts again.  My therapist once told me to never, ever nap unless I was actually sick. But I'm so freakin' tired!!

I'm a good girl and I listen to my sleep hygiene which says I can't stay in bed if I'm not sleeping. But I miss my bed right now. I want to be asleep more than anything!!!

I'll give it another half hour or so, but then I'm outta here and back into my snuggly bed!

Complaining about my Depression.....Again

There once was a time when I would gladly accept an invitation to any social event, like a birthday party, wedding reception or church event. I am naturally a little shy, but once I would get into the situation, I would mellow out and always enjoy myself. Especially if I could have a drink or two.  I was a social butterfly. When I was in University, I had a party at my place almost every weekend. I loved having a group of friends over where we could hang out, have a drink, talk til the wee hours of the morning.

This 'condition' of mine has really changed who I am.  I accept any invitation reluctantly.  If I've said I will attend a party, chances are now only 50/50 that I will actually be in attendance. I can't make any promises. Oh sure, I want to go. When I accept the invitation, I'm excited about the prospect of hanging out with friends and getting back out into the world. But when the big day arrives, it is my disease that dictates my actions, not my wants and desires. No matter how hard I push myself, sometimes I just can't make myself do the things that I used to love and cherish.

I am just miserable lately. I switched medications about two weeks ago. I was, as always, hopeful that this new medication would be the one that makes it all ok. It's not turning out to be that way. I'm sick all the time. I'm so tired. My anxiety at these social situations has not changed one bit.  And I still beat myself up about it constantly.

My depression is an abusive voice inside my head. I can turn everything into a horrible onslaught of guilt. Guilt, guilt, guilt.  I am a horrible mother. I am a horrible wife. I'm a horrible friend. I'm a really horrible employee. It never ends. 

Ugh! Depression sucks!! Especially this week!!

Sometimes mistakes are made

I know I haven't been in here in awhile. I've been a mess.  Changing meds has been extremely difficult. I have been so sick.  I'm trying to be a regular Mom and wife while feeling like absolute garbage which has not been easy. I've been a right bitch, let's be honest. 

Everyday I take the boys to the park after dinner. I do this because if I stayed home with them I might lose my mind! Hubby says at least they are getting some exercise!

Tonight was ridiculous. My eldest decided to ignore everything I said to him tonight And when he did finally pay attention to me, he would talk back, be snarky and generally rude to me. So I put him to bed early. That did not go over well.  He had a nuclear meltdown.  I thought I was going to lose my shit tonight.  Thank God my mother in law was here to give me a break because I was about to do something that I was not going to be proud of tomorrow.  I guess we all go thru those moments as a parent where we want to rip our hair out, right?  I'm just glad this night is over!

So, let me get to giant mistake I made. I switched meds three weeks ago. I thought I was taking 450mg of said new medication. But I had a look at the prescription bottle today and it turns out that the pills are only 150mgs each, not 300. I've only been taking 200 mgs instead of 450. Ooops. I told the doc I would be up to 600mgs by my next appointment next week. Yikes. The horrible thing is that these drugs have been making me extremely nauseaous and give me horrible headaches and I'm not even taking close to the amount I'm supposed to be taking! What if I up the millegrams and it just gets worse? How the hell am I supposed to function as a good wife and mother when I can barely function as a human being??

Wish me luck!

I Believe

we're currently watching America's Got Talent and I just loved the song that Silhouette used for thier set.  I Believe by Blessed Union of Souls.  Just beautiful!

http://youtu.be/cv9iKYwp7ps

The A thru Z of Me

Well, hello Again!!  I wish I could say that I was productive today, but nope! I accomplished next to nothing!  I have been feeling much better these last few days, but today was a little bit of a hiccup.  I was nauseous all afternoon and ended up napping, which I try never to do!  But I was oooh so ill! 

So let's have a little fun to pick us all up! What better way to have a good time then to talk about myself!! LOL.

A. age: 36.  As my wise friend Krista said today, don't let my immaturity fool you, I am actually 36 years old. 

B. bed size: King all the way.  And I am a bed HOG. Don't touch me when I'm trying to sleep, don't come on my side of the bed looking for snuggles. Cuz ooooh, you gonna get the ice, cold shoulder and a kick to the groin!

C. chore you hate:  I HATE laundry. I freakin' HATE folding and putting it away. And I've never hated it more than since I had children.  All those little, itty, bitty pieces of clothing, ACK!

D. dogs: I am not a dog person. Sorry!  I find dogs smelly no matter how often you clean them and I hate all the drooling! Ugh.  My inlaws (who live with us) have a 105lb boxer named Bagua and he just embodies everything I dislike in dogs.  Poor dogs. It's not their fault. I'm obsessed with smell!  Don't hate me, it's just who I am.

E. essential start to your day: My drugs!! LOL. No seriously, if I don't take my meds in the morning, you don't wanna mess with me. And breakfast. I gotta have breakfast or I'm just not a normal, functioning human being.


F. favorite color: Pink. I love pink!!  I'm a fan or yellow and orange as well, but who isn't?

G. gold or silver: Silver....or white gold. I think gold looks "cheap" on me.

H. height: 5'8".  I was once told this makes me an Amazon, but I'm actually the runt in my family. My Aunts, Uncles, cousins, siblings, Mom, everybody is taller than me.

I. instruments you play: I'm gonna go with nothing on this one. I used to be able to read music for piano but it has been years!

J. job title: just MOM right now.  When I am working I am a Divisional Sales Manager in charge of Capital Goods at Staples.


K. kids: 2 mind blowingly awesome boys aged 3 and 5.


L. live: Barrhaven, which is in the suburbs of Ottawa

M. maiden name: Ducharme. Growing up I wasn't fond of my name because I lived in mostly French communities with a French last name and didn't speak a lick of French.  Now my maiden name just makes me think of my Dad and I'm proud of it!

N. nicknames: does Mom count?  I've had the nickname Naughty Naner for years, but I'm trying desperately to shed it.

P. pet peeve: Oh, where to start?  It's not my fault, ok? I'm OCD!  Bad smells, people who don't use their turn signals while driving, nail clipping in public (yuck!), cars that take up two parking spots, when someone reads over my shoulder (oooh, I hate that!!!), television edited movies (I have been known to turn off a movie on tv, drive to the video store, buy it, come home and start it all over again cuz I'm so mad!!) , when people screw up their/there/they're, people who can only talk about themselves, when my FIL calls it WalmartS instead of Walmart (there is no S!!) Trekkies that just can't enjoy the new Star Trek movie for it's awesomeness, when people tell me a story and insist on telling me the ethnicity of the person they're talking about, (like it matters!), when my PVR misses taping the last two minutes of Fringe (NNNNooooooooO!!!!!!!) , when the garbage man throws my garbage cans all over my front yard, when the cashier hands you the coins on top of the bills and it makes you look like a tool when you try and put it away, when someone calls me at work and says, "someone called me from this number" (Do you realize that there are 20 people in this building right now?), people who sing along with the radio when I'm in the car, people who say a movie sucks before they even see it (this is directed at my brother who believes that Avatar is a shitty movie and yet refuses to watch it), people who drive like a distracted moron because they are on their cell phones (I wish you could call the cops for this like you can with drunk drivers), getting out of the shower and realizing I've forgotten to get a towel (DAMN!),  ....MY GAWD, am I an asshole?   I always feel bad when people ask me what my pet peeves are because I can go and on and on and I begin to realize how awful I really am!!! Ugh. 

Q. quote: "You don't have to be the PERFECT parent. You simply have to be GOOD ENOUGH."

R. righty or lefty: righty.

S. siblings: that's complicated. I have a brother, a half brother, a half sister and a step sister. But I call them all brother or sister cuz I don't care how I came about them, they're all mine!!

T. time you wake up: are the kids awake?  I hate getting up early, but I'm usually more chipper in the morning than I am in the afternoon.

U. university attended: Carleton University in Ottawa


V. vegetables you dislike: I don't like any vegetable that you cook til it's all mushy like squash or turnip. I hate the baby food consistency, bleck!


W. what makes you run late: Ooooh, I am very rarely late! (it's that damn OCD again). Being late makes me all panicky. If I am late, it's usually someone else's fault like the kids or hubby.  And oooh, am I grumpy when I'm late!

X. x-rays you’ve had: most recently it would be my elbow. I had a drunken episode while in Cuba (that damn Tara!) and I had to have it checked out when I got back to Canada. I didn't break it, but I did have to have a cortisone shot to get rid of the chronic pain.  Lesson learned!

Y. yummy food: Lebanese is my all-time fav.

Z. zoo animal favorite: the killer whales at MarineLand!  I never get tired of that show. My favourite part is when they release the seals into the water with the killer whales and then everyone laughs as the killer whale chases it around...you know, cuz it's normally FOOD!  "This time I'm gonna catch that f**ker!"